Thursday, June 22, 2006

Maybe They Thought I wouldn't Notice...

I swear to christ, I'm having the worst gardening season ever.

I'm not a hobby person, having been one of those childhood bookworm shut-ins who ended up going into the computer industry, and neither of these things are particularly good for forming either social skills or taking up extracurricular activities. Thank god BHJ is a bigger geek than me, or else I'd be an adult urban hermit with some spectacular sexual frustration issues.

I have two hobbies, gardening and drinking (both of which can be done together quite nicely, surprisingly) and I just cannot understand why people don't let me do both in peace. We live on a main street in Toronto and have suffered through all kinds of property theft; Halloween corpses walking off, (free) recycling bins that are now recycling someone else's bottles, and people deciding to celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus by stealing my Christmas lights. I've also experienced a bunch of front lawn flower thefts in the past - dug up Gerberas, and the like - so I get that it's a high traffic area, and kids will be kids. Doesn't stop me from wanting a moat with some honking crocodiles, but it doesn't keep me up at night, either.

However, in this short growing season I've experienced:

1) rampant Tulip snipping
2) dug up Pansies (they left them there, the little darlings)
3) Lilac butchery
4) forced Hydrangea forklifting after I was informed that the gas metre has to be moved into my microscopic front yard, and...
5) the latest, my Tuesday morning Allium beheading (which I captured on film for your viewing pleasure. The scale is a bit hard to see, but they are were about 2.5 feet tall).

People really are just fascinating. What would posses someone to walk up onto someone's front lawn and snip off a flower top? Did they do it at night, or in the middle of the day? Did they see the flowers, like them, and come back later with scissors? Or did they do it spur of the moment? Do they carry a pocket knife for just those types of occasions? Was it their first time? Will they do it again? WILL THEY?

To be honest, I spend a goodly portion of my day asking myself these types of questions.

In what can only be described as ironic, BHJ and I were walking to brunch last weekend and I saw a man walking in front of us. He ducked to the side, reached over, snapped off a rose branch from someone's garden- one about a foot and a half long - and kept walking, almost without breaking stride. I was so surprised by it that I didn't have a chance to stop him, and all I could do was say to John: didyouseethat??! We kept walking and the guy slowed up and started talking to us. I was trying to figure out what kind of a person would do such a thing...and, I soon had my answer: he was drunk. And a bit of a jerk. Apparently, in what can be filed under 'no big surprise to anyone', drunken jerks steal people's flowers.

After finding my guillotined Alliums on Tuesday, I stewed in AngryMaia juices until I finally tried to put a good spin on the situation. What to do? Might as well write about it. The truth is, I like having little evil quirks for my characters - the main antagonist in the book I just finished parks in handicapped spots even though he's fully ablebodied - so flower theft will have to go on the list with people who give you recipes with one crucial ingredient missing, drivers who park sideways across two parking spots in a packed lot, neighbours who don't recycle, and mothers who...well. It's a long list.

In other news...

My 'brilliant' post from last week ended up being irrational as opposed to insightful so I've scrapped it. What I did want to say is that I've sent out my first query to an agent, so I'll keep you posted on how disastrously that goes.


(Semper Fi, little Allium dudes)

No comments: